Amazing Grace December 8, 2009

What stops you from going crazy? Amazing GRace..

Being in Mali Africa where my sister lived 2 1/2 years, where she loved, grew and passed away..was a blessing filled with happiness and sadness..what we call bittersweet.

I still cannot understand the WHY, why did God choose my sister for this mission?  Why did he allow death to take over?  But what makes me glad is knowing that he has her in his hands, in his kingdom, in paradise..Amazing Grace.

It’s been a terrible year..everytime i think about the reality it breaks my heart..tears begin to form in my eyes..and its difficult to sustain the feelings that take over me.  Losing a sister is losing a part of oneself, a part that can never be replaced.

You think your sister will ALWAYS be there, no matter what, for as long as can be..you never think or imagine that someday she wont be there..it just doesnt work that way…

I know death is a part of life, atleast now i know in a very REAL WAY..but its still difficult.  My sister was my big sister…my best friend..i know-knew i could count on her for ANYTHING..i know she loved ME..unconditionally..i know that whatever advice she gave me it was for my best..i know if we fought..it was just temporary..i know-knew she LOVED ME.

Not having her physically around will be hard..even though its been a year that shes been gone, it doesnt feel that way..i feel her so close..i know shes alive, i know it with all my heart.

I thank Jesus for having him in his hands, for forgiving her and for loving her so much.  If we loved her, i cant imagine how much more God loves her…

Cristina, I miss you, everyday ill miss you..but ill be okay..i love you and you will always be my big sister, forever and ever…

and ever………..

When you fall in Love & seek a blessing from God: marriage forever til death do you part.. November 20, 2009

a few years ago when I was 17 I met this boy, who was just that..a boy.  He was 16 years old and lived a few miles from me..30miles to be exact.  We liked eachother and made an effort to see eachother even though we didn’t have a car, so we rode  the bus and metro for a year until I finally got a car.
I began to really fall for this guy, and truly saw him as “The One” but I was still immature, he was still immature..and we were our first relationship..so it wasn’t easy.  We broke up a few times, and then for a year..but I guess fate, or God (most likely God) and my sister Cristina who is an angel brought us back together.

Now we are together and I love him a lot, I do seek marriage even though the rate of divorces is so high right now, but I have faith in God..and I ask him to wed me with someone who it will be forever until death do us part..I am very old fashioned in the sense that I do believe marriage is something sacred and it should be forever until death. I don’t mind being a submissive wife in the sense that I’ll respect my husband and “obey” him when of course its for the best!..also I like cleaning and taking care of my man, my husband…I hope that my thoughts and feelings don’t change once I’m married.  I hope that my love doesn’t fade, that I change.

 

I don’t know if every girl seeks or wants to be married, but I do.  I can’t imagine living a life without a family.  I have my family, and my closest being my sister Cristina & my parents.  But someday my parents will leave to paradise and I will have to have my family…My husband and my children which will become my circle.

I think I’ve found my husband in my boyfriend whom I’ve known for 9 years almost..I know his flaws, and his qualities..i know i still have a lot to learn, and that it won’t always be beautiful..but im willing to be with him in summer and rain, in richness and poor..in young and old ..But what I truly seek in a husband that my boyfriend isn’t yet is to be devoted to our father Jesus Christ.  Because in the end, Jesus is truly our everything..and I need someone who believes in God, who will help me in teaching our children about him.  I don’t want a fanatic, or someone who “believes” but doesn’t show it with his actions.  I just truly want someone who in his heart has a beautiful feeling and belief towards Jesus Christ.

I know that if God is in the center of our marriage then we will survive, we won’t be broken.

So is it weird that I believe in marriage so much?  I feel sorta sad for the girls who live with their boyfriends before time, living with them and acting like their married but truly not.  I don’t want to cohabit with a boyfriend because i know i wont be happy, ill just be confused because id want to live with someone who is my husband, someone who i feel more stable and secure with..and i dont think i can truly ever feel that way with a boyfriend.

xoxo,

Jackie

what are your thoughts?

When you can’t understand why..but when you have no choice… November 20, 2009

Another sleepless night..here I am contemplating and thinking about what was and isn’t, what was and sorta is..what I can feel but can’t see, what I believe and hold on to because I cannot let go.
Next week on Thursday me and my parents are taking a flight to Mali, Africa..a place my sister loved so much, a place she gave it her all, a place she lost her life.  It will be the most difficult, strangest and hopefully beautiful experience ever.

I’m not sure what to think about it, I’m a bit numb…and don’t know what to expect.  I know Cristina would be thrilled knowing we are visiting Mali because it will hopefully allow us to understand why she called that place home, why she went back to work there…and it will make us feel closer to her..

I guess some things in life you dont understand why, why do they happen and you have no choice but to accept them because overall you can’t change them.  I can’t bring my sister back, I can keep her memory alive, I can remember all the beauty about her, and I can do something with my life that would make her proud…

 

College Graduate searching her niche: Jobless & w/ loans to pay November 18, 2009

I decided to go to college after being told that I would then easily get a job and a job that payed me well.  Maybe it was like that back in the 80s but now many things have changed and their are many people fighting for jobs and people putting extra time to keep their job.

I graduated last year with my BA in Communication Studies and minor in Italian.  During college I worked some jobs such as babysitting, retail and office jobs.  I also did two unpaid internships one with E! Entertainment in L.A. and one with City Lights Media Group in New York after recieveing a scholarship through University of Dreams.  Besides that I studied in Florence, Italy for a year and learned Italian.  So I thought finding a job after graduating wouldn’t be so difficult but I was wrong!

Besides life completely changing for me and my family..Job seeking has proven difficult in L.A.  I’ve realized that its more important who you know than what jobs you see posted.  Searching for jobs online is so difficult because they hardly get back to you and if they do then you’re kinda lucky but you then have to be interviewed and are competing with several applicants who also have an interview for that one position.  So basically you have to know people in order to get a job!  So one mistake I did was not network enough, and without networking you might not get by.

I still haven’t gotten a real job and will start looking soon, have been postponing due to  so many failed attempts.  I would go back to school because I somewhat miss it but I’d prefer to find work first before getting myself into more debt with loans.  If I’d go back to school for my Masters I would be interested in studying Counseling.
Ok I had to rant and want to know what you think about graduating college and not finding work and also any tips on other ways to land a job besides working on your resume and cover letter…

xoxo,

Jackie

 

 

My first post, my first blog, my First Time! November 18, 2009

Hi Everyone, I want to introduce myself since this will be my very first time writing in a blog.  It’s all being done because of curiousity and to find my niche

This curiousity began after having a conversation with a staff worker at my dermatologist office of how the internet holds so much power.  I was telling her that I found their office through YouTube and she then told me that he daughter was blogging about some jewelry line of a friends and all of a sudden her friend began to sold so much of her jewelry due to that blog.  So I decided to give blogging a try and let out my thoughts, ideas and give you insight on cool things I’ve tried and recommend and just anything that comes out of my mind.

So a little bit about me.  I was born and raised in Los Angeles and come from an Itaian and Salvadorean background.  My mother who is Salvadorean worked in Italy for 7 years as a housekeeper and met my father.  He quickly fell in love with her and pretty much begged her to be with him.  She was a bit hesistant at first due to previous heartbreak.  But love conquers all and they married despite the culture differences and the fact that my fathers family was against their relationship.  They moved to Los Angeles to escape the hostility in Italy due to my fathers family and had two beautiful girls: me and my older sister Cristina.

I had a beautiful childhood despite the fact that I grew up in one of the most “dangerous” cities of south central Los Angeles.   I am now 26 years old and still live at home with my parents, the same home we have been living for the past 20 years.   I graduated from CSUN a year ago in 2008 with my BA in Communication Studies and minor in Italian.  I also lived abroad for a year in Florence, Italy and absolutely loved it.  Studying Abroad is a must!

11 months ago something changed my life forever.  My older sister Cristina who was just a year apart from me and who was the best sister I could have ever asked for passed away in an accident in Mali, Africa.   She honestly has been the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.  She was smart, funny, loving, generous and humble. ..She was the type of person who you just wanted to be next to because they transmitted such a positive energy that you couldn’t help but loving her.  She was a born leader since she was a child and continued to grow into a magnificent woman.

After she graduated with Magna Cum Laude from Connecticut College in 2004 with a B.S. in Economics & International Relations and minor in Italian she went to work a year in Berkely for her college professor.  Then she decided that she wanted to join the peace corps even though she had been offered other jobs in the states.  She was accepted and sent to Mali in West Africa.  She served two years as a volunteer for Malian Ministry of Tourism in Dogon country, Mali.  When her term ended she was offered a job with Academy of Educational Development as Project Manager to work as part of a team working on GSTA (Global Sustainable Tourism Alliance USAID) eco-tourism project in Dogon country in Mali, West Africa.   I remember her coming home and telling us about it and how her face lit up knowing that she would continue helping Mali, the country she fell in love with.  She had a huge desire to help them.  She asked me and my parents about our opinions, whether she should go even though she wanted to be back with us and spend time together.  My mom told her that she should do what she should do what she loves and wants to do, that we would support her in any decision she took.  I told her that I was happy for her and that it be a great opportunity especially since she hadn’t applied to it and was offered right out of peace corps something which rarely happens but which I wasn’t surprised of it happening to my sister since she was amazing.  She then made her decision and decided that she would just do it for one year and not the three years that AED wanted her to do.  Because truly she wanted to be back home with us, her family.

So she left back to Mali in January 2008.  We would always remain in contact with her and in November 27 for Thanksgiving was the last time I spoke to her when she called us to wish us a happy thanksgiving and to say Happy Birthday to my mom.  She sounded so happy and cheeful and as usualy so loving.  She would never hang up without saying “I miss you guys, I love you”..

Also for my moms birthday she had sent her beautiful flowers (lilies) with a note that read “Mom, you are as bright and brilliant as these flowers.  I love you, Cris”  and also a beautiful pendant with a mother and a baby embracing one another.  The same as the picture provided These gifts were received the day after we had recieved the news that Cristina had passed away.  and my mom had last spoken to my sister 2 days before the accident and my sister was really happy because her boyfriend had just proposed to her and she had had a beautiful dream that she saw me wearing a beautiful white dress and that I looked amazing.  That dream came true, but it was her who would be presented with a beautiful white dress in heaven.

December 2nd 2008 was the day that our worlds turned upside down, where our lives would changed dramatically, drastically and forever.  A huge important piece of our life, our family would be robbed from us.  Cristina passed away so suddenly..and it just wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right..it went against everything and we couldn’t understand..we were about to go through the worse thing we had ever had to go through.  Losing a job sucks, losing a house sucks, getting sick sucks, but losing someone you love, someone so beautiful as my sister is the worse thing that could have happened to us.  It has been 11 months since my sister left us.  She passed away doing what she loved, helping Mali, helping the people of Mali, trying to improve the malians way of living.  She truly was passionate about helping them and she passed away in an accident that took place while working.  She was to go inspect a water tank that was going to provide water for medicinal gardens and the builder told her it was done and filled it up with water.  The water tank hadn’t been done correctly and collapsed on my sister and one of her coworkers and friend.  But it hit mostly my sister and the other woman survived but lost her leg and is forever scarred.

It really had been difficult to face the reality.  I find myself in denial a lot of times, not trying to believe what’s happened.  I just cannot understand it and though I know death exists and that it can happen and will happen when you least expect it. . . I just never thought or imagined that it could happen this way, that it could happen to someone I love so much, someone who I was with since I was born and who I saw myself sharing with the rest of my life.   A part of me has been ripped away from me, just the same as it’s been ripped for my parents.  We feel like a puzzle where a piece is missing and therefore the puzzle doesn’t look or feel right..it cannot be completed without that important piece.

The only thing that can keep us going without my sister here on earth anymore is our Celestial Father Jesus Christ.  Our faith that everlasting life does exist.  That this world is passing and that we have another home, a real home, a forever home that won’t be destroyed and that is with God in heaven.  Thats what i think about now and I have faith and hope knowing that my sister is now in that beautiful place and that one day we will reunite and no more pain or sadness will exist.
So this being my first post I hope to share more with you.  If you have any questions or comments feel free to let me know and I’ll be available.

xoxo,

Jackie